Living in the U.S. here, so non-American advice may not be the best thing for me, not sure.
I am living with an undiagnosed serious illness (haven’t eaten for 45 days.) I am off work on FMLA, which is a thing businesses in the U.S. offer to their employees where you can taker time off and they will keep your job for you, but you don’t get paid. We are not exactly poor, but we are going to be surviving for at least a month on a single income. That will be hard, but we’ll make it if we cut back.
HOWEVER.
I have $1000 in medical debt, which will just keep climbing, and I also have a cousin who says that he can get me into the best hospital in New York- I’m in Indiana and we’re not exactly at the forefront of medicine- to get thoroughly tested. I cannot afford either of these things. We do not have temporary disability insurance.
I have a lot of friends and relatives who might donate, but I feel like such an asshole asking for money. Especially when my wife is working and has a decent job. I’ve done everything I can since I was 18 to make it on my own and, while I have had to take handouts in the past, it was at the ‘this or starve’ level, and my doctor hasn’t run out of tests to do on me yet, so I wouldn’t quite put it like that. And what if the money isn’t enough to go to New York and pay for all of this testing? Do I give it all back?
So should I do a GoFundMe? What do you think?
Please, please, please, please do not give me medical advice. I really really do not want medical advice from strangers on the Internet. I leave that to professionals. But I would love this bit of AITA advice.
TL;DR - Very ill, not working, in debt, possible solution in another state. Should I do a GoFundMe?
Do what you have to do. If people give you money, it’s out of their own volition.
Hope you get better.
I know, but they’re my friends and I don’t want them to think less of me since I’m asking for handouts.
If they’re really your friends, they will be happy to help you.
I’ve experienced similar quandaries in my life before, but you have to ask yourself, “would I think any less of my friends/family members if they asked me for help?”
I’d maybe be a little hurt that my friend didn’t think they could ask for some help.
Fair.
American individualism and ‘bootstrapping’ is one of the great American Lies. There is no shame in needing help because broken social systems failed you. Anyone who would think less of you for needing help with medical bills is someone you don’t want in your life anyway. if we were truly a civilized nation you wouldn’t be having this problem.
What if you have something that needs to be caught early? You need to get to NY and find out and not fumble around in the dark in Indiana. I’m not shitting on the doctors in Indiana either, some places are more specialized and it sounds like your doctors are more general health or things they see a lot.
It’s a little late for that, but I do appreciate the advice because it really is worth going if I can get the money to do so. It will just be a very expensive trip because, even though I would be driving to New York, I will need a place to stay in NYC before they check me in, unless it will be outpatient, and after I’m checked out to recover. And then, of course, there will just be the cost of the testing there. So this is a lot of money we’re talking about and I don’t even know if I’ll reach that amount. I don’t even know what the goal should be.
But everyone seems to think that I should do it, so I guess I’m going to move forward on this. I want to make absolutely sure I could get into the New York hospital first though. I don’t know this cousin all that well. It’s conceivable that he might be full of shit. He sounds sincere, but I can’t be sure.
Do you know what hospital it is? They might want to study your issue or can give advice to get around the system. In Seattle, we have the UW teaching and they do things for less. Teaching hospitals are the best for mystery illnesses.
Also, when you ask for help, you’re giving the opportunity for others to do good in the world. It can be (not always) a gift to the givers as well. I’ll need you to remind me of this in the future, lol.
Yes, I do know which hospital and it is connected with a university, but I still have to pay for it, which will still mean more medical debt. Good point about giving others the opportunity to do good.
I know your stressed, but your health is more important than money and pride. It’s much easier to see from my point of view, I know. I’ve been in your situation myself though and it really sucks. But once you’ve asked for help, it’s strangely not that big of a deal.
It’s definitely pride over stress, but I don’t agree with you about it not being that big of a deal. I still look back on times I’ve asked for help and felt embarrassed by it even though I know I had no other option at the time. I guess I’m kind of messed up that way? So I’ll feel guilty regardless, but it sounds like it’s necessary.
I’m going to tell you how I got through it, but feel free to ignore as it might not apply. At some point in your life, you made a decision that asking for money is bad. For example, you were 8 and one of your friend’s parents asked for money from your parents. Your 8 year old mind wondered why they didn’t have enough money and work harder for it and your mind may have all kinds of reasons to judge them. Maybe your parents were happy but poor so they seemed like they had money but really didn’t. I was Catholic growing up so being poor was celebrated, that’s why you should give 10% every month, lol. Anyway, that decision when you judged those people or yourself is way in the past and your brain wasn’t fully there. Now your battling between the opposites of “I need it and I know it’s best for me and my partner,” but in your subconscious, your mind is yelling at you to not be that guy. “I should be better at this stuff by now,” etc., etc.
My therapist gave me this technique and it works to soothe the battles. It’s so freaking stupid and simple, but for some reason it works. If you were to follow it, it would go like this (it can be in your mind if you’re not physically able to step forward):
Now do the opposite with, “Bring on going to go into a huge debt and never asking for help.”
This should make your body feel something because it’s that struggle making you unable to make a decision and pulling up all sorts of baggage. As I was typing this out, I think it also remakes your long ago, immature (rightfully so), decisions.
Again, no worries if this isn’t for you. It really has helped me unpack most of my baggage and you seem like you need to settle your inner battles because your body needs to concentrate on healing.
You could ask a friend to set one up for you, which could help lessen that stigma
That would just make me feel guilty for asking them! I’m a guilt-ridden mess!
Great advice already here
Another thing is that you’re not directly asking any particular person to donate. They have the option to just share the post with others (which is also great because there are more people out there who also want to donate/advocate on your behalf).
You can also include a message similar to what you have here :)
Hope things improve for you!
Very good advice! Thanks!
Consider going to see a clinical psychologist for therapy. I know you’re already swimming in debt but it sounds like you could benefit from this. Even if you had to wait until you return to work, it sounds like you’re going through it.
Thanks, I’m actually already seeing one for other reasons, so I have that covered.