I don’t know why addressing a cat as “cat” is the funniest thing ever

I once got passed by two speeding DeLoreans. I ended up catching up to them when we all hit a traffic jam.

You win a free trip to the Hague

Hey, we’re learning, okay?

The candle that burns four times as bright burns a quarter as long

pan to tax preparation companies taking turns sucking off Uncle Sam

If you’re blind, it’s a possibility.

My sister’s tuxedo is so wild, you can tell her mind is going a mile a minute but somehow doesn’t have much going on up there.

She’s banned because she flipped him on his back and huffed his belly

Same.

Bears are basically just giant dogs, it’s not fair

Yeah I’m on the edge of my seat here. I demand a refund.

Why does he look like he’s announcing the reorganization of the republic into the first galactic empire?

I thought that number looked familiar

It’s real

TFW a passenger turns up the radio to cover a fart

Back when computer monitors were big enough, my cat would sit on that and I would have to keep moving his tail out of the way

Hold my internal organs, I’m going in

Glory to you… ^AND ^YOUR ^PASSWORD…