I went to college with this guy 10 years ago and I considered him a friend up until this year. Something changed in him, and he constantly needs to put me down and I don’t know how to handle it.
We’re both 28, for reference.
Last year, he reported me to the college because I was doing students’ homework for them for some extra cash. He said that what I was doing was depreciating his Diploma. I guess I get it, but what kind of friend would try to get me in trouble for something as harmless as doing people’s homework? He didn’t ask me to stop first or talk to me about it first, he just flat out reported me. Some friend.
Edit: I’m not saying what I did was not wrong. If he valued my friendship, he would have talked to me first. And I would have valued our friendship enough to stop.
I ended up dropping out of the program because of stress. He graduated this spring. I congratulated him and genuinely was happy for him. He then sends me this really childish text, bragging about how he graduated and I didn’t. Here’s a quote from part of the conversation. No joke, this is word for word:
“Hey [my name], just letting you know that I am an engineer now and you aren’t. Also I just got hired at [his work] and am making $34 now just to start. There will be a party at [local bar] to celebrate my graduation. You should come. There will be resumes being taken, you should submit yours, because people like me always need assistants. Even though you are not an engineer by any means.”
I thought, maybe he’s being intentionally arrogant as a joke that I’m supposed to get. But that’s not the case, this kind of talk continued for months. And he means it to be hurtful.
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I blocked him on everything I could think of.
A little bit of background information, I recently started my own business making custom tools. This quote was a part of what he commented on my Instagram picture of one of my tools yesterday:
“You should stop posting these online, it’s really embarrassing because your [tool name] is such a failure. I should redesign all of it for you because I’m actually an engineer at [company name] and have a lot more experience. I could actually do it right, unlike you. I just might help you if you ask me nicely.”
Like, what the hell did I do to deserve that? I don’t know why I let it even bother me because of how obviously immature he is being.
I didn’t respond. I blocked him on Instagram too, but now he’s trying to message me on LinkedIn. Blocked him there now too.
I’m still friends with his brother, so it’s impossible for me to completely block him out from my life unfortunately.
I almost want to explain to him how narcissistic he is, and how his messages are an obvious cry of mental insecurity. I know that that would just be fueling the fire though, and would solve nothing.
He deserves to be put in his place. I don’t know if that’s possible though without me becoming just as petty as he is.
How should I handle this? He’s bound to see me in the future, so there’s no avoiding his bullshit.
Thanks
The best way to get back at someone is to have a great life. Ignore him and block him, and carry on with your great life.
He’s obviously insecure, fragile, and arrogant. Move on - you’ll never win anything by stopping to his level, and you’ll never convince him to change his ways by putting him in his place. The older you get, the more you realize quickly people just aren’t worth your time.
When you see him next, just ignore him. When he gossips about you to his brother or your friends in an attempt to get a rise out of you, laugh and ignore him.
Have a great life, and fuck that guy.
Thank you. Spot on.
My one addition is to consider how you will handle this as time goes on. Will you laugh it off to mutual friends with a “Why would I care what he says? There are a million people who’s opinions of me matter more.”? When would you consider it actual harassment? What impact would it have to have on your life to effect your mental well being enough to take action, and what would that action be?
I pose these questions because proactively answering them can put you in a much better situation in that happy life. Most likely, it will also mature your opinion of the situation over time, allowing you to be just the right balance of firm but level-headed on how you alter those plans when and if the time comes.
As time goes on, I’d rather not think about him at all, but for the rare times that I do, I would want to laugh it off, because his way of bragging is actually kind of funny.
Sounds like you’re in a healthy place, that’s great.
Well said - great advice. Giving this guy as little room in OP’s head as possible and concentrating on having a good life is the best answer
And I will have a good life :)
I’m actually an engineer at [company name]
Bro it’s petty revenge time. [Company name] needs to see these messages and asked if this is representative of their company values.
This is my thought too.
Being the bigger person is all well and good but sometimes petty revenge hits different.
You do not wanna mess with narcissists though, it’s not worth the trouble.
Likely would be difficult to get those messages in front of the right person at said company. Also bit hard to for them to verify it is not some scam. I wouldn’t bother but it is a nice thought.
“I’m still friends with his brother, so it’s impossible for me to completely block him out from my life unfortunately.”
No, it is possible. If you happen to lose his brother as a friend then that’s an unfortunate consequence.
Life’s too short to have to deal with assholes like that. Not worth your limited time on this planet. Find new friends.
This man is NOT your friend, and even if he is, it’s not your responsibility to fix him and solve his problems, or even “put him in his place”. Otherwise, as you’ve realized, he will drag you down to his level and make you as cynical and miserable as he is.
You should put whatever you had with him behind you at this point and try not to interact with him in the future, and if you are put into a situation where you have to interact with him, use the “grey rock” strategy and be as boring as possible.
This sound like the best thing to do. Just ignore him and move on, try not to waste any more energy on him. If put in the same room as him, don’t interact with him. If he starts talking with you, try explaining that you do not want to talk with him and just keep ignoring. Never give a bully a reaction.
Dude this shithead isn’t your friend. I have enemies who have more respect for me than this guy does for you…
Dump this dick
Anybody who says “I might just help if you ask me nicely” deserves to be cut out of your life completely.
This situation sounds like what restraining orders are designed to help with. IANAL, but restraining orders generally cover all types of communication, including social media. Showing that he has continued to harass you even after blocking him is good reason.
“You should stop posting these online, it’s really embarrassing because your [tool name] is such a failure. I should redesign all of it for you because I’m actually an engineer at [company name] and have a lot more experience. I could actually do it right, unlike you. I just might help you if you ask me nicely.”
Out if curiosity, have you ever tried calling his bluff? Reply with how would he improve it by saying any constructive criticism is appreciated. Something like
Do you have any recommendations on how to improve it. Looking to make as good as I can.
Depending on how you’re feeling, you could incorporate tagging their company. Use the same language they used. Something like
I’d love any constructive criticism from an actual engineer from @company
That said, it seems like the time to reply like that has past and it’s best to ignore/block him at this point.
have you ever tried calling his bluff?
The worst thing you can do with trolls is feed them.
This guy sounds like a text book narcissist. The worst thing you can do is tell a narcissist they are a narcissist. It will do nothing and will only make them double down. The best thing you can do is cut them out of your life.
I had a similar situation when I was in my 20s. Friend I had that I’ve known since highschool would always make remarks about how I got so lucky with my job. Because I was making decent money (more than him) without a degree and he was an engineer. It didn’t matter that I worked my ass off and put in thousands of hours, I was lucky.
If I would ever push back or say something he would just double down. I couldn’t bring up the fact that I didn’t have parents that paid for everything while I was in school, so I had to work and go to college at the same time. I finally realized that was just the way he was going to be, so I limited contact with him. However, his comments never went as far as what you are describing. So, I think you’re doing the right thing by just blocking him.
I highly recommend reading the book Emotional Vampires. It teaches you about the different personality types you’ll run into in the working world and how to deal with each type (when you can’t just avoid them). I wish I had read it 20 years ago.
fuck this moron, drive on with your life, he’s a bucket of nuclear waste
Yeah, but like, after he throws a bottle of bee pheromones through his window, right?
I mean if you have such thing handy, if you’re going to synthesize it and supply the critters I’d advocate murder hornets. or if you’re really evil and brave, bed bugs
He was like this inside from the beginning. He didnt change just the inside got outside.
So he was always a d**k head. They can do anythyng because the law allow them. Dont let him step on you.
Tell him to stfu and to stop talking to you. He clearly hasn’t gotten the message across. The solution to bullying is really just be aggressive back until they fuck off.
Yup! One guy tried bullying me in school, so I punched him as hard as I could in the stomach and walked away. He never tried bullying me again. Unfortunately that doesn’t work so well online. Engaging with them at all keeps them riled up since there aren’t any real world consequences. So OP either needs to bring the consequences to the real world like showing dude’s employer his online activities, or get a restraining order. Fighting him in a fist fight would be a poor choice as an adult, since OP is very likely to experience real world consequences himself.
Just walk away. Block him any place he contacts you and don’t give him another thought. Why does he get to live rent free in your head? Evict him.
Fuck his mom and/or dad…or just beat his face in one day out of nowhere and walk away
Like, what the hell did I do to deserve that? I don’t know why I let it even bother me because of how obviously immature he is being.
Odds are that you did nothing. He’s clearly an emotional vulture, he probably does it towards everyone around him.
I don’t recommend framing it as immaturity, as it might give you the false hope that he’ll “grow up” and get better over time. Perhaps he gets better, but odds are that he won’t.
Some people might say “let it go”, or “vengeance is never good, it kills the soul and poisons it”. I’m almost 40 and I got something to say about this pacifist discourse:
Screw this masochistic shit. When you turn the other face you are not saying “I’m better than him”; you’re saying “he’s right in treating me as trash, as I am trash”. You want to ruin his life and make him regret existing.
So, here’s what I’d do:
- Document every single time that he contacts you, including the contents. Record calls, save e-mails, take screenshots.
- He’s likely doing this with other people too, contact them. Former friends and any ex-SO are a good start. Ideally they should do the same as you (document it) and you should act in unison. Do not let him notice that you’re acting together though, be as stealthy as possible.
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I blocked him on everything I could think of. […] This quote was a part of what he commented on my Instagram picture of one of my tools yesterday:
That’s actually great for you. It means that he kept contacting you after showed clear desire to not be contacted further. Depending on the local laws this gives you grounds for legal action.
And since the guy is a fucking idiot flaunting the fact that he’s an engineer, you might also contact his business. Be polite towards them, but highlight the fact that one of their employees is harassing you. Even if he doesn’t get fired, it’ll put him in a poor position later on.
He deserves to be put in his place. I don’t know if that’s possible though without me becoming just as petty as he is.
The difference between “being petty” and “standing your ground” is why. You are in a position to screw him up without being petty.
You’ll also want to ruin the psychological “kick” that he gets from harassing you. Ignoring him on the surface (while documenting it) is a good approach, because he’ll feel unsatisfied but he’ll try a bit harder.
Also shield yourself psychologically. Remember - you are not the problem, he is the problem.
Vengeance is not a dish to be served cold. You warm it in the blood of your enemies.
Wtf is this comment? So you either “turn the other cheek” and just let him harrass you, or else “you have to ruin his life and make him wish he was never born”?
You are right that OP doesn’t have to “turn the other cheek” and does not have to put up with people’s shit, but just because you should not turn yourself into a masochist that does not mean you should turn yourself into a sadist…
Of course there are moral limits on what OP should do in this situation; that is a given. “Ruin his life and make him wish he was never born”, in this context*, is being used to hyperbolically convey “don’t passively accept this shit, stand your ground and fight back”.
*note how none of the actions that I suggested OP taking would be undue retribution to his former friend’s actions.
Send a glitter bomb to his office.
