Not a “not a fart” exactly, butt anyways… You ever eat a lot of cereal at one sitting? Like a whole box? Don’t try that with Frosted Mini Wheats. I did, and then I went to my job baking bagels. I had just gotten all the shelves in the oven full of bagels (idk like 30 dozen). I felt a rumbling that told me I had seconds before release. I grabbed my manager, handed him the peel and told him which rack was coming out first. I didn’t wait for his reply, but I ran to the single bathroom in our busy restaurant and by some miracle it was unoccupied. Not a second to spare and then total relief.
Long story short, I had a bad school lunch then went to cheerleading and made the others wish I was an exchange student again.
You were an exchange student? I’ve always wanted to be one of those. Any horror stories when abroad, like realizing you had to know more languages, finding a host, getting stuck…?
Stuck where? In the hood? I know a few languages but only English is useful as the other ones either don’t belong to a country or aren’t fluent, and I only ever stayed at a friends’ house, where we have an inseparable dynamic that has survived even my facepalmy brushes with demise.
I was going in for a drug test for a new job on my lunch break. I had taken some of those ‘clean you out pills’ that you get from a head shop and the prescribed half gallon of water super early in the morning. I get there around noon, sitting in the waiting room I felt an urgent need to fart. I knew I couldn’t keep it in so I did the sly one cheek up maneuver to minimize the sound. Warm smooth liquid came out instead. Filled my underwear and ran down my leg. I immediately got up and asked to use the bathroom. The look on those ladies faces o.0. I said I needed to poo and I promised not to pee. They let me. I clean up as best I can and throw my underwear in the trash, but is smells like death. I decided to confesses on my way out about the underwear and they show me back to the waiting area. I kept my promise, I peed in the cup and left about 20 minutes later. Nurses are laughing at me on my way out. I get in my car and start crying and call my Dad, still my best friend. He laughs and tells me about several times he pooped his pants and I am crying and laughing hysterically, remnants of the duty still in my pants. I had to call into my current job and take the rest of the day off, holding back tears and trying not to laugh. The test came back inconclusive and I had to retake the test about two weeks later. I passed that one with no help, and I had an amazing job that set the course for the rest of my life.
“… remnants of the duty still in my pants…”
Call of Duty: Black Plops