cross-posted from: https://programming.dev/post/14816537
I’m 43 years old but apparently I have a baby face, good hair for my age and everyone believes I’m in my mid 20s, even though I already have some gray hairs nobody seems to notice (so far).
I started the lie: first time I started my last job at a hospital immediately after my bachelor and told my new coworkers my real age (38 at the time) they started judging me: why are you not married, why don’t you have children, what have you done in the last 20 years.
The way these women asked was accusatory, like I’m a failure for being almost 40 and not having children or being single. At that moment I decided next time somebody at the workplace asks me for my age, to blatantly and shamelessly lie: I’m 25, leave me alone.
Since that bad experience I’ve worked at 2 other hospitals and my lie has always helped: patients and coworkers believe I’m 25 because as said I look like it, don’t pester me about children or marriage and while my current coworkers are gossips and need drama to live, they don’t push my buttons because I don’t give them any ammunition. It’s tolerable.
Note that I didn’t lie in my application and accounting and management at my workplace know very well my real age, but my coworkers and direct manager are oblivious to it: On my first day I just told them I’m 25 and they didn’t question it.
Now, I have the body of a 43 year old, meaning I don’t lift heavy patients like a 25 year old and sometimes I come home with back pain. I don’t know if I’d get better assignments if I’m sincere about my age (I’d like that, but is it realistic?). I just don’t want to get to 65 with a broken back. I don’t want drama either, just to work and go home.
I lie to protect myself.
If I need to change this, why and how?
Next time your age comes up, just say, “you really believed I was 25?! Haha, that’s great!”
How can you be in your 40s and this avoidant?
bullying
Fair point.
Counterpoint: have you ever considered just not having trauma?
/s
do you understand that this is an emotional response and it’s kinda off to ask a person not to have trauma? do you think people like being bullied?
I put the /s there because I was in no way serious.
Please understand, I am on your side here.
everything’s good, I didn’t understand your /s
Idk about OP, but I don’t tell people my age, nor do I tell them what day of the year my birthday is.
I also never divulge my middle name.
This is all personal information, which I do not willingly share.
I’ve never really had a problem. Nobody knows, and they don’t need to know.
OP can do whatever they want with their own private information, which is none of anyone’s business.
then my coworkers are all busybodies who don’t know what boundaries are.
Still, answering ‘how old are you’ with ‘none of your business’ seems overkill. I just want them to leave me alone.
Busybodies are definitely the problem. When someone directly asks me about my age I just kind of silently and blankly stare at them until they stop asking.
Bluntly, I’m here to work because that’s how I make money which I need to survive. You’re my co-workers, not my friends. I’ll be friendly, but let’s keep discussions work-related. My age, is not an important piece of information for anyone to do their job. My birthday is the same.
People tend to guess, but they’re met with the same silence and blank stare. If they start asking why I’m not answering, I just tell them that I’m not willing to discuss my personal information.
If they can’t respect my boundaries, that seems like a “them” problem. If try to make their problem into my problem, then it will become HR’s problem.
Personally, I don’t work in highly social environments anymore (I work in tech, almost entirely remote work), so generally I don’t have a lot of opportunities to have small talk with my co-workers. I’m fortunate like that right now. Previously, I would mainly deal with it by exercising my constitutionally protected right to silence. It’s amazing how effective it can be to give someone zero reaction to their question. You didn’t say no, nor give them a reason, nor did you give them an answer. It weirds them right out.
Now, I’ll add the caveat that I do not give any shits about what people think of my beyond my professional capabilities. I think the only times I’ve given a reaction to it is when someone asked why I wouldn’t entertain the questions about my age and birthday, and my go-to reply is that “I’m a very private person”. I don’t talk about family, friends, dating/love life, personal finances, the things I own, where I live… (It’s a long list) When I’m working. The only other topic I try to avoid at work is politics, since it’s so universally polarizing. Discussions about literally anything else, totally cool. My personal life and politics? I’ll be over there points working. Tyvm.
Why does being 40 somehow mean they need to change?
Because by 40, most people are past these kinds of shenanigans.
I didn’t realize that I should be over bad things that have happened to me simply because I’ve reached x age.
Phenomenal, it’s just that easy! Just don’t have trauma, why didn’t I think of that?
First, you’re not OP, so I can only imagine that you’re taking something personally that has nothing to do with you.
Second, nothing in this post mentioned trauma. Being harassed by invasive questions isn’t trauma, it’s just humans trying to be social.
Third, if instead of working on your trauma you’re trolling internet discussions and inserting yourself whenever you think you can successfully play the victim, you do not have my sympathy.
This is OP’s response. You’re not the first person on Lemmy that seems to think it’s impossible to read other people’s comments.