Title says it all
- What’s brown and sticky?
- A stick
What’s blue and sticky?
The same stick when it holds its breath.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can’t complain.
What do you call an elephant that can only be accessed remotely?
Telephant
Yes, I’m a dad, how did you know?
I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’
A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’
And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’
She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’
I said 'Alright, I’ll wait
I’m sorry for spamming Steven Wright jokes. I’ll stop now
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says: “Did you know you have a steering belt attached to your crotch?” The pirate answers: “Yarr, it be driving me nuts!”
The version I heard had a parrot on the steering wheel. Makes more sense with the pirate context hahaha
The dumbest joke I know is a knock knock Joke and goes like this. You first have to make the person you’re telling the joke to start saying “knock knock”, then you you say, “who’s there?”.
Proceed to watch the other person confused about what to do next 😅
I broke a mirror in my house, and you’re supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
What do you call ten thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
A good start.
I dipped my balls in glitter.
Pretty nuts, right?
what’s red and smells like blue paint?
red paint.
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
-Mitch Hedberg
Mitch is very heavily influenced by Steven Wright!
I know! It’s that deadpan delivery that really sells the style.
Did you ever watch Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs? Steven Wright does the voice over narration for K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the 70’s!
Yep yep yep I’m also the one who always goes around telling people that 😂
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?
It was because they had an excellent conductor.
Why does the organ player only eat offal?
He’s an organist
Skeleton walks into a bar Can I have a pint and a mop
A man walks into a bar and says “OUCH!”
So I was laying in bed with my girlfriend reading the secondhand diary that I bought… ‘I don’t remember this.’
First thought, “wtf is a hand diary”. Secondhand.
I’m hyper productive. Have one for my first hand and another for my second hand.
