All of my IRL friendships are based around activities - we play games together, we volunteer together, etc. When someone moves away and we try to keep the friendship going, it always just sputters out after a few weeks or months. It just seems to devolve into small-talk / catch-ups that neither of us are really interested in (I don’t mind small-talk too much, but it can’t be 100% of any meaningful relationship).
So: What is the point of a long-distance friendship for two people who have no plans to live locally again? What am I missing?
EDIT: I have close conversations in person that are deep and meaningful, just very rarely over text. Maybe I ought to phone or video call once in a while…
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The same as any friendship: mutual support and love. What you’re describing sounds like an acquaintance to me, not a friend, if conversations don’t develop past small talk. Maybe that’s what you’re missing.
Thanks for the input. I do have closer friendships in person, but once we move apart (geographically) it just sort of… fades. Based on these replies, I think I’m just not very good at talking over text
I understand better. I might relate, too.
I’m not the type to keep relationships “alive” by checking in, but at the same time, when someone re-enters my life after even years, it can be as though no time had passed. If I can help, I will. We can chat for minutes or hours. I’m happy to pick up where we left off.
I have the distinct impression that many other people don’t operate this way. I do. Do you?
Yes, that sounds like me. I’ve only really had it happen twice where people have come back into my life, but one of them is now my best friend again after I didn’t see or talk to them for years. The other example moved away for about eight years and although we were close (before or after) we did just carry on the same relationship we had before.
In that case, I’m not sure you’re missing anything and I’m not even sure you have a problem to solve here.
The majority of my friends are online. The internet has connected me with people who broaden my horizons, help me learn interesting and important things, and grow as a person. You don’t need to know someone in-person for that to happen anymore. IRL friendships will always be better, all other things being equal, but they’re not the only solution.
Well, not everyone forms connections based on shared activities; and even those who do, some activities can be done long-distance (debating philosophy, sharing music recommendations).
For a lot of us, we don’t stop caring about someone we don’t see long-term (though I’m told this is a neurodivergent trait to some degree) so even a friend we haven’t seen in years we can talk to and have it feel “fresh”.
I am ND, so part of this is trying to diagnose what I’m doing wrong and part of it is trying to understand what everyone else is doing haha
Because they’re a great surrogate for close counter friendships when none are available
I guess the friendships I keep are ok being “at rest” and just a few texts a month or more. What’s nice is when you travel for some other reason, you can visit your old friend and catch up. It’s a nice feeling to say “oh I know someone in xyz. That’s nearby abc, I’ll hit them up for a beer”
To maximize the number of people who show up at your funeral.
You can probably still be emotionally attached to someone, even if they’re not around anymore? I suppose there isn’t a point like in they’ll join you at going to the bar or help you redo the kitchen… But there are other things in life and we’re social creatures. We also like to talk, or just have someone who cares for us. Even more so if you spent some time of your lives together at some point.
You can probably still be emotionally attached to someone, even if they’re not around anymore?
I can be, and I would like to be, but it never seems to work out that way… Part of my question is to work out what other people do and what I’m doing wrong.
I’m bad at it, too. So I’m not sure if I’m the correct person giving advice. What I’ve observed is, successful people just do it. Idk, randomly seek contact every now and then. Or have a ritual, that seems to help. Make it a habit to call someone for their birthday. Or write some christmas cards. That’s some obvious things people do.
