Just so you know, someone isn’t “really nice” if they make jokes like that. Maybe she used to be nice, but she isn’t acting that way now.

I’m not sure how old you are, but it sounds like you’re both still teenagers or maybe young adults. People are trying to figure themselves out at that time, and sometimes what they try out is edgelord (especially when the edgelords are gaining political power). She may be testing boundaries of what is socially acceptable, in which case it’s in her best interests as well as yours to gently push back against this kind of behavior (or more forcefully later if she doesn’t take a hint).

Something like, “hey, it makes me uncomfortable when you make those ‘identify as’ jokes. You know I’m nonbinary and that sort of humor makes me feel like you don’t respect me. I fully support your identity, including your faith, and as your friend I hope you would do the same for me.”

Even if you are 1-on-1 for that chat, she is almost certainly going to respond negatively to that, so I would drop it there, but be prepared to remind her that you don’t like it later. Ideally after some reflection she wakes up and realizes she’s causing harm to your friendship, but be prepared to break it off entirely with her if she doesn’t want to treat you with respect.

To be clear, this is Lemmy where we don’t feel the effects of your decisions.

I used to make these jokes as a teenager in church and I didn’t know how offensive and misguided I was. It might be worth having a conversation with them, nobody is one demensional and incapable of change. If she reacts well with not only her words but her actions (like she takes it down or publicly apologizes or wtv) then maybe you could trust her. If she doesn’t react well then you should probably re-evaluate what this relationship is for and if bigotry is worth it. It can be hard but you can find accepting friends online and in person, you just need to put in the effort.

Tldr; it’s a personal thing about whether they’re actually willing to respect you by changing their behavior or if you’re willing to deal with it bc this relationship is important enough.

Have you talked to her and told her those kinds of “jokes” make you uncomfortable? If you have and she pushes back, then I think it’s fair to question if you can be friends with someone who continues acting disrepectful even when asked not to.

But if you haven’t brought it up, maybe it’s possible she just needs someone to call her out and snap her out of it. Give her a chance to see if she can grow and change.

I’m an ex-fundigelical, and while I understand the desire to keep old friendships, the reality is that people can change; even worse, it can be due to getting caught up in weird cults that demand loyalty above reason and sense.

Whether it will end up bad for you isn’t something anybody can predict, but it sounds like she’s not someone who will be supportive of who you are (or at the very least, other queer people like you). Most fundies think you can “pray the gay away,” so I would suspect it’s only a matter of time until she starts treating you like a religious project and not like a respected friend.

Only you can decide if you think it’s worth continuing to invest in the relationship. If it’s something you truly value, and you think she’d listen, it might be worth having a talk with your friend and telling them that the things they say and do are hurtful. If she doesn’t care, then that kind of tells you where her loyalties lie.

It depends on who your other friends are. It doesn’t reflect well on you overall, I’d say, buy at the end of the day, having self respect means walking away when someone is this needlessly abrasive

, i also hope she didn’t decide this due to christianity.

99% likelihood that it is.

Do you dislike hearing the jokes? Do you tell her that you don’t like her being shitty towards people like you?

If you don’t like it and aren’t willing to speak up about it then she will most likely continue leaning in even harder over time due to not getting pushback and getting reinforcement from whatever led her down this path. It isn’t your job to keep her from becoming a terrible person, and if you don’t it is most likely going to get worse over time. In that case it would be better to move on so that you can have better friends.

I have never seen anyone who started open minded that leaned into bigotry turn it around due to friends they already had. They only ever turned around when they realized their bigoted friends were terrible people and regretting driving away the people who actually cared about the.

If you accept someone unilaterally, your sending the message that they matter more.

If she used to be gay and is now straight, wouldn’t she just be bisexual? Or am i misunderstanding?

Edit: I’m not well versed in this space and meant no disrespect by the question. I’m genuinely curious.

Actions speak louder than words. If she is nice and genuinely is a good friend what she says shouldn’t matter.

i also hope she didn’t decide this due to christianity.

Why not? Her choice if she wants to follow her beliefs.

will this end up actually bad for me like those superevangelicals?

I’m gonna go against the hivemind here; probably not. A lot of the close-minded Christians I find personally are people who haven’t struggled in the past. I don’t think someone who used to be at odds with her gender identity and sexuality will be extra malicious to the point of harming you or wishing harm.

To me it’s kind of like a gambler or a drug addict: You don’t agree with their lifestyle or think it’s moral, but you don’t want any harm to come to them. So I don’t think you’re in any risk.

I used to be in a similar situation to her, questioning my gender and sexuality before I doubled down on my faith, and I’m happy and comfortable now. I still have friends from the lgbtq+ community. I don’t hate them at all. I still treat them equally as my friend. Sure, as a Christian, I desire everyone to seek forgiveness of their sins because my belief is that’s what’s best for them, but that’s between them and God. If they ever have any questions or objections, I’m happy to answer. But if they are firm in their unbelief, then I’ll still be their friend. I completely reject Christian Nationalism, even though a lot of my ethical opinions are shaped by my beliefs.

However,

As another commenter said, they recommend that you aren’t friends with your ex. I have never had a friendship with an ex end well either. But again, you said long-time friend, so if it’s working, then it’s working.

I wouldn’t let your distrust of her due to her beliefs get in the way of you two. Generally, people who disagree should still be able to get along.

Now, this is important:

I’d also say that if you drop her because of her beliefs, it might make her feel like that she cannot trust lgbtq+ people and that she might see it as a cult which a lot of conservative commentators say. Right now you have a good position to be a counterbalance to that. The internet is designed to push us into echo chambers and society is trying to push echo chambers as the right thing. People are turning against each other because of beliefs. You actually won’t be much better than her if you push her away for her beliefs. Unless your aim is to deconvert her, you should stick around so she has somebody on the other side of the opinion. I have had people approach me in Christian circles ridiculing trans people, but from the experience I have from having trans friends, I was able to speak up on the issue and water down their opinion on it. If trans people completely avoided me, I could have even gotten sucked into the rumours. But I have trans friends and I know that they aren’t all groomers trying to inject my children with HRT.

You said she is really nice. That’s what matters.

Now, for the jokes, if they actually upset you, maybe you should talk about them. If she can at least respect your concern, then it’s definitely a friendship worth keeping around.

Asking strangers on the Internet that don’t know you or your friend to tell you if you should maintain a friendship is wild.

If you have issues with their beliefs then you don’t have to be friends anymore. If you still want to be friends go right ahead.

Do whatever YOU want to do. It’s your relationship.