My parents were in an arranged marriage in China, they argue like every week. They are toxic af.
I wonder if people who freely choose their partners have less toxic families… 🤔
Mine chose each other and were ok people. Not ideal parents, they were emotionally distant which has left me with some mental garbage but they weren’t cruel, didn’t fight much, and generally tried to do the right thing.
I feel a little ashamed. Everyone here has cool trauma.
My parents chose each other. They argued over money, which we didn’t have a lot of, and her chronic illness which loomed large over all our lives, but they loved each other and us. She was in her late 50s when she died of a cardiac event caused by complications from her chronic illness 12 years ago. My dad is still alive and I dont think he’s even looked at another woman since. I have a hard time even imagining it.
My parents are neutral people. They care about the people close to them, and not others.
As my mom was becoming an adult, women in my country still couldn’t have their own bank accounts nor could they vote. So how much choice did she have? She could stay under her abusive father’s control, or roll the dice on marrying a guy who had minimal red flags. They’re fine, they had kids and are still married decades later. But I can’t really say she was able to freely choose.
I am mixed on how they did as parents. I have no doubt they mostly did what they thought was the right thing. I just strongly disagree with them on some things they believed to be right. Like I wasn’t given certain vaccines as a kid, not because my parents thought they would cause autism, but because my parents thought Hep C would only be caught by drug users and sexually promiscuous people. And their kids would never.
My parents chose each other. Are they good people? Sure. But they had a ton of problems and split when I was in high school.
My grandmother, my dad’s mom, she was a terrible person. Very difficult to be around. I’m sure that’s why my dad has the issues he does. He ended up abandoning our family, and he’s very… Well, he’s passive-aggressive and will do almost anything to avoid conflict. Which doesn’t sound terrible, but that means he avoids us when he thinks we’ll confront him with anything. It was frustrating for a very long time but now I just accept that we’ll never have a close relationship because of it.
He remarried about 10 years ago now. We get along okay except she’s an alcoholic and has a really awful temper. After a specific incident in which she screamed at me over something very minor, I decided I was done trying to foster a relationship with her and now it’s very at arms length. Oh well.
My mom, she and I are close but her issues are very much wrapped up in my brother, who also has issues. They’re very co dependent, and my brother takes advantage of her. He sucks her dry of resources and refuses to do anything on his own. He’s in his late 30’s and it’s still going on.
No, people who choose each other can be very toxic.
They chose one another, and are toxic af. They argued constantly, my mom physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me all my childhood and still tries.
Shortly after I was born, my dad bought a small adobe house 18 miles from town, it had 1 pull string light and one plug socket in each room. There was no bathroom, and no indoor plumbing when we moved into it. My mom grew up in NYC and could not cope with this. Everything my dad did he did for the betterment of the family, my mother saw anything not directly for her as a slight against her.
The fighting and abuse got so bad I used to try to get my dad together with my friends with single mothers moms.
Mom mother finally moved out of the house a few years ago. It has been the best thing for their relationship.
It is a dangerous thought that “mothers are holy”. No, they are very much often not.
My mom chose all four of her husbands, leaving each one for the next - except for the last, who she was with until he died of Alzheimer’s.
After my mom, my dad married a woman he’s been with since. They’re perfect for each other.
According to my mom, her last husband was “the one.” She was with him longer than the other three, combined, and by all accounts they were good happy together. I didn’t know him that well; they married long after I’d left home and was moving around the world living my own life.
They chose each other and they’re good people.
My wife asked my mom what made her decide to marry my dad - which is something I never thought to ask - and my mom said that nobody else asked her. They’ve been together now for 49 years or something.
My parents chose each other. They’re both good people, but they weren’t a good match at all and none of us were especially surprised when they divorced.
The Mrs and I chose each other, and while it would be arrogant to assert that we’re definitely a good match I get the impression that my kids would be shocked if we split.
The structural key to a happy marriage is, I think, the freedom to leave. If my parents had split when I was a kid they’d probably have a better relationship. But because of economics and law and pride they didn’t, which made the pain last way longer than it should have.
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