I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.

I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.

But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.

  • DaGeek247@fedia.io
    1674·
    2 months ago

    Take their ‘joke’ seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they’re for, everything.

    This way, if they weren’t joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.

    • Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com
      3·
      2 months ago

      Rabbits suck. Get a cordless magic wand (silicone head) or a we-vibe touch. If she wants a dildo get it separate (also silicone, I’m a bad dragon enthusiast but you can get great silicone dildos elsewhere)

    • Thorny_Insight@lemm.ee
      1059·
      2 months ago

      Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

      I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

      EDIT: Yeah I misread that

  • Mothra@mander.xyz
    641·
    2 months ago

    I’ve never used a veg for these purposes and I’m not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.

    Most people don’t use vegetables for this afaik.

    That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I’d be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I’d feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.

    • ByteOnBikes@slrpnk.netOP
      18·
      2 months ago

      Thank you for the honest response! I sincerely appreciate it.

      Reflecting on your answer, that would make complete sense. Why wouldn’t a person use a condom? My wife has explained how concerned she is about UTIs, and adding that veggie bacteria would be concerning.

      I’m starting to feel like my veggies are safe.

      • Mouselemming@sh.itjust.works
        92·
        2 months ago

        Also most young teens would be a little intimidated by a cucumber. A carrot or banana is more likely, since they’ve probably seen a condom on one before.

        As for the 3 hours, it’s long but by no means impossible.

      • JovialMicrobial@lemm.ee
        6·
        2 months ago

        I havent seen anyone mention this, but cucumbers have little sharp spikes/spines on their skin so that’d be a huge no for the vast majority of people, and those little spikes would probably rip any condom stretched over it.

        Very few people are gonna be into fucking themselves with something that’s got tiny thorns on it…unless they go out of their way to remove them without peeling it entirely I guess.

        Seems like a lot of work though.

    • pete_the_cat@lemmy.worldEnglish
      62·
      2 months ago

      I’m a dude and a cucumber definitely doesn’t seem like it would feel great going in and out. It’s bumpy and the skin is pretty coarse. A banana definitely sounds like a more logical choice.

      • IronKrill@lemmy.ca
        11·
        2 months ago

        Nah, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the girth and texture of a garden cucumber.

  • gmtom@lemmy.world
    60·
    2 months ago

    Well she said she used it for 3 hours so I can only imagine it was in fact and edging case.

  • DeadWorld@lemm.eeEnglish
    525·
    2 months ago

    During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

    🤣

  • bdonvr@thelemmy.club
    43·
    2 months ago

    Hairbrush handles are much more common. I’d say most girls probably haven’t used vegetables.

  • Somehoe35@lemmynsfw.com
    421·
    2 months ago

    As the only female on Lemmy I’m here to say maybe. Possibly anything could be used for penetration. I have personally never used a vegetable. A cucumber could be too large and intimidating for a young girl so hair brush handles are top tier.

  • pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    391·
    2 months ago

    Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won’t judge them for it. I’d probably also mention that you won’t open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.

  • VinnyDaCat@lemmy.world
    34·
    2 months ago

    It’s a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:

    That said… I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I’m not entirely sure about all of it.

  • gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    34·
    2 months ago

    Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

    No. Worrying doesn’t help anyone. Just relax.

    • ameancow@lemmy.worldEnglish
      3·
      2 months ago

      Next thing you’re going to tell us is that we SHOULDN’T become absolutely obsessed with the personal habits and sex lives of other people whom I will never meet nor be involved with in any way! Preposterous!

        • ameancow@lemmy.worldEnglish
          1·
          1 month ago

          It seems so obviously counterproductive that the only thing I can think is that they’re enjoying it, like it’s a kink to get into other people’s sex lives and tell them what they should and should not do.

          No, seriously. If you spend time in the conservative, christian communities like where I grew up, you hear these people just spend night and fucking day thinking about “sin” and the ways that nasty, dirty, eeeeevil sinners like to sin and all the details about what manner of sin they partake in… and so on.

  • YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com
    4112·
    2 months ago

    Most teens don’t want to put anything up there because it hurts, even tampons hurt as a virgin especially with 0 lube. I never liked regular dildos, most women do not orgasm through penetration. So I would say they are messing with you. I’ve had guys ask me if I ever experimented with pencils or rulers because if they were a girl they would do it. No, wtf only guys think women are like this.

    • feedum_sneedson@lemmy.world
      11·
      2 months ago

      Girls experiment.

      You can downvote me but my girlfriend literally did what you’re describing with a pencil when she was younger, I’m sure she’s not the only girl in the world to have done that.

      • YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com
        1·
        2 months ago

        I’m not going to down vote you lol, I haven’t down voted anyone in this thread. There is no wrong answer or response. I do feel bad for her though, pencils are sharp even when unsharpened, I can’t imagine that felt good. Did she wrap it in a condom? How old was she?

    • cashmaggot@piefed.social
      912·
      2 months ago

      Yo, this is a real actual human person right here.

      Men would be asking me the most heinous of shit and I literally had nothing to do with them. Like, what? I think things are better now, cause I’m older. But hot damn, the shit I was being asked if I reversed it I’d be like asking if when they are fucking a girl do they make sure to jizz on their face or some shit. Like wtf who the fuck asks this just sitting around talking to someone they just met or are (platonically, in a group) having some chow with!?

    • spicy pancake@lemmy.zipEnglish
      24·
      2 months ago

      yeah it’s wild. every time i open Lemmy any internet application I turn into a guy? it’s very handy when the women’s bathroom line is too long

      • voldage@lemmy.world
        11·
        2 months ago

        yes, that is the transgender agenda, we switch genders each time we open lemmy and use blahaj plushies to stabilize, don’t blow our cover like that in public though jesus christ

      • idunnololz@lemmy.world
        4·
        2 months ago

        Technically the original statement could still be true. We now know there is a woman here but not women. \s

      • xorollo@leminal.space
        3·
        2 months ago

        That’s not very helpful. It’s always the mens bathroom line that’s too long at work. The woman basically gets her own.

        • smb@lemmy.mlEnglish
          2·
          2 months ago

          we are a tech company. we had several floors in two near but separate buildings. we had as many toilets for woman as we had for men. basically each floor had one for woman and one for men which had a pissoir too. as we had > 90% men, mens toilets always had a waiting line after lunch time (not for the pissoir, however). on one floor the only woman was a trainee who (normal here) often had to go to school for 3weeks in a row, that was when men just used womens toilet as there was no woman to use it on the floor and the other woman on the other floor of that building literally had her very own toilet to share with no one. (rest of all the woman happened to work in the other building)

          then the company started to build its own building to leave the rental situation and at the same time to better longterm meet some necessarities that come along with the market niche that the company serves. (there are some laws regulating some physical aspects of the building for our services.)

          one if the promises was, that the “toilet situation” would be improved with the new building.

          the new building then had larger toilets on each floor. the space was then used to still have one toilet for men, but now there were two pissoirs! and two large sinks just for washing hands. yay! womens bathroom now have 3 toilets on each floor each and also the large sinks too. same amount of toilets for 90% of empleyee, the 10% have now triple number toilets they had before and double the space for washing, using mirror etc.

          The woman basically gets her own.

          exactly, and when men don’t have enough toilets, women actually gets build more of them to “statistically” solve the problem !! 🤣

            • smb@lemmy.mlEnglish
              2·
              2 months ago

              yes 💪

              or maybe thats the hiring strategy to get more woman into tech jobs 😂 … and we have reserved private toilets !! …

    • weew@lemmy.ca
      4·
      2 months ago

      Well duh. Lemmy is on the internet, and there are no women on the internet.

  • BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world
    24·
    2 months ago

    As a woman on Lemmy, I have never done this. I didn’t find penetration very comfy until I learned how to have G spot orgasms with my SO, but by then I was an adult and could buy a G spot dildo for times he wasn’t around. All I can think of with a cucumber is that something would break off inside me and I’d get an infection.