I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition. I do not fault my former partner, she did what she felt she had to do to be happy. Unfortunately, turns out, I didn’t really have any friends of my own, I was just a hanger-on to her group. I have done a bad job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of this group, and I find myself very lonely nowadays.
Things have been tough for me for this and several other reasons the last couple years, and while I am incredibly thankful for my family taking me back in and supporting me while I get back on my feet, they can’t be the only people I interact with. That said, how does one actually accomplish this? I’m pushing 40, I live in a rural area (30 minute drive to anything that isn’t run and populated by out-and-out racists), and I’m broke as hell. I’m not particularly even interested in dating, just making some new friends and not being so lonely all the time. Where can you go and what can you do nowadays that doesn’t cost a bunch of money and people are willing to talk to strangers? Internet or IRL, I suppose, but IRL is better because God I need to get out of the house more.
Usually the best way to find new people is to get into an activity or hobby. Use meetup, or Facebook events, or other local event coordinating services to find activities or events you’re interested, go and chat with people, and if you hit it off with people after a few times seeing them, try to make a connection individually outside the group, like meeting up for coffee or a beer, etc.
The hard thing you’ll find as you age though, is there’s a finite amount of social attention people have with their lives, and as people age and establish their groups of friends, sometimes its hard to break into their circles as they’ve already kinda maxed out their in life social network. Sometimes they either aren’t really looking to add more friends, and include more people in their life, or just don’t think to invite you to events etc. Breaking though that, or finding people open to adding more to their social networks, can be hard as you age.
There’s no meetup group for smoking weed and going back to sleep unfortunately. I already checked.
There definitely is.
Well then how the hell did they get in my room?
Depends where you live! There’s weekly/monthly cannabis events where I’m at. I’ve made some great friends at them!
My dude, you can always start. I guarantee there’s a group out there for you.
In my day those were called Metal concerts
I just had a conversation about this, among other things. The thing is: we have no idea. Also I don’t think Reddit-for-nerds (Lemmy) is that great of a place to ask this.
If you do get an answer, act upon it, and it works, please remember me and tell me.
Some years ago reddit was the reddit for nerds. The demographic probably has shifted more towards normies by now.
and bots
my mom uses it all the time now so yeaaah
👋 second, please let me know. I’ve never been great with this.
I have found great friends at school because I hang out with them all the time. Programs at school where I do studying and meeting new people.
After graduating, I guess I might try meetup groups and such.
I don’t think Reddit-for-nerds (Lemmy) is that great of a place to ask this.
Ouch
Step 1 - Move to Cleveland.
That’s it. There is no step 2. Everytime I leave the house, all I hear is “Oh, hey! I like your jacket!” Or “Heeeey, you know what time it is!!!” (as said as I’m carrying a 24 pack).
Or “Whats goin’ on my brotha from anotha motha???”
I’m not particularly social, so I just fake my way through these interactions. But it’s my understanding that 260K people (or whatever Cleveland has) are all one big social group, and we all go out drinking every day.
Except I don’t really like being around strangers. So I just power through and get home quickly. But I’m sure you could have a 2 hour talk with any rando on the street.
short question - do you mean Cleveland, OH, or Cleveland, TN, or Cleveland, TX, or Cleveland, GA?
Cleveland is actually located in a pocket dimension. Ohio, Tennessee, Texas, and Georgia (US) have portals into the Cleveland dimension.
Fun fact: Cleveland is named so because a wizard cleaved a rift in space-time and built a city inside the cleave.
Sounds nice actually. Everyone here stays inside because it is hot right now.
Currently 72F. Scattered clouds, but it’s not going to rain today.
I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition.
How weird, I’m going through the same exact thing as you. In my case I do have a circle of independent friends, but I’ve had trouble going from “friends” to “close friends”. Honestly what I discovered was, that was my own doing. It’s really easy to keep things on the surface with people, and not tell them what you are really struggling with.
Over the past few months I made a commitment to start being more open with my friends, and it’s really opened my eyes to 1) how wonderful they are as people, and 2) how much people are willing to open up to you once you show them that you’re willing to be a “trusted person”.
Anyway this isn’t what you asked, the way I met them was always through hobbies (music, martial arts), or friends of friends. I know you mentioned money is tight, so a hiking group or book club might be examples. You already know this, but IRL always beats online, atleast for me. Something about seeing other humans nourishes the soul in a way I can’t quite understand.
I’ve made a lot of IRL friends online and at work.
If you’re between jobs, consider doing something like Americorps. People of all ages do it, not just young folks, and its temporary. I think of it as summer camp for adults, but you get paid and in some cases housing.
Back in 2017 I was super into VR. IDK what the communities are like now, back then the demographics were older, but I got a big social fix from it. An oculus quest 2 or 3 is affordable. Almost all the best games are social, “face to face” talking. It’s like having a public arcade in your closet.
I made the most friends back in 2011 by posting art online and commenting on other artists’ things. People love chatting about their hard work. I ended up meeting loads of them in person. If you can find a space of creatives, whether it’s a bluegrass club, DND, discord book club, whatever, you’ll have a good time.
And, don’t beat yourself up about being lonely. Life moves in cycles. Remember, it just takes meeting one extrovert to suddenly gain a crap ton of friends. Or, maybe you’ll collect them one by one. Regardless, I feel you. Be well.
Do things you actually enjoy doing, the friends and other things will come naturally. Don’t do things to try and make friends. Do things you like and the friends will come to you. No matter where you live you can find something you enjoy doing
Sooo I was kinda in your shoes a few months ago, and decided I really needed to do something about it before I lost my goddam mind. What I’m doing (and it’s kinda working) is to find a community that interests you, and persistently be involved in it. I personally found a streamer on Twitch and a few Discord communities, and hang out with those people by generally just being there and having small interactions with others. We watch the same things and play the same games in voice chat. It really helps to have some sort of common activity that you can comment on and springboard your experiences or stories. You don’t have to be that guy that’s obnoxious and in everyone’s face, just pay attention to the people in these groups and be super friendly. I’ve found a few acquaintances and am working on knowing them better to become friends. You’ll remember names and interesting things about them, or be like me and take notes so you don’t forget lmao. Eventually, they’ll say “Hi <name!> It’s nice to see you again. How was your day?” and then you know you’re on the right track.
Socializing is hard, especially when you’re not used to it and in this online era. If you’re friendly and attentive, people will reflect that energy back to you, and you will form bonds. Good luck!
I had great luck with meetup.com. All kinds of groups and people, and most people are “new to the group” making things more natural. I have since developed a friend group and a SO from those gatherings and events.
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It also tends to skew older from what I’ve seen. Might be great for OP, not so great for someone in their twenties or early thirties.
I read a few and didn’t see this. I’m from a smallish town and ended up adopting the community gym. Best decision of my life, saved me from a really rough time. Gymrats are far friendly than their rep gets, most of them are just guys that just wanna bullshit and push shit. A community rec center is also a great option, or a beer league. Just stuff that forces you outside, even when you pull the “but I don’t wannaaaaaa”
So in the vein of no stupid questions I’m going to ask you a stupid question. It sounds like you didn’t particularly value the relationships you used to have with your “friends in law”. Do you actually want to meet people to build friendships with, or do you feel socially pressured to do so? I’m here to remind you that you’re not required. A preference for solitude is perfectly fine.
Maybe you don’t have that preference in which case others have written up some good advice, but don’t feel guilt. Maybe getting to know yourself for a while is a good thing. It’ll make any attempts at bonding with others in the future easier and more rewarding.
I appreciate this, thank you, and it’s not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I’ve been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it’s bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.
I’ve never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That’s on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She’s been friends with most of them since they were children, I’ve known them for the last 20 years or so. It’s complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they’d take me in, but they’ve notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she’ll be there.
I started my own business which involves going into people’s homes and fixing shit. I’m meeting a ton of new people nowdays, granted most of them are either elderly or single older women / moms.
Single MILFS in my area, you say…
Crazy response coming - I’m around all the time and I actually enjoy meeting people. Living with a disability I don’t go out much except with my wife and son when we can. Other than that I don’t socialize but I would love to. So, in all sincerity, DM me anytime. Also open for video chat.
:-)
Group hobbies, amateur sports, maker zones, birdwatching, sometimes even just fishing off of a dock.
Find something fun to do that gets you around other people
Friendship is based on shared experiences.
So you need to find some experiences to share with people. Whether that’s evening pottery classes, joining (or starting) a man’s shed, joining a book club, joining a local amateur sport team, getting into a virtual TTRPG, joining a bridge club, or a chess club, or litter picking group, or bird-watching group… or something entirely different it’ll work as long as you have repeated exposure to the same group of people. Unless you pick a group who are all assholes. Or if you’re an asshole.
