her mother died 2 weeks ago.

I told her I’m sorry but after thinking about what to say I couldn’t come with anything better than repeating sorry again. She then told me and another coworker how she died.

I want to show her that I care but I don’t want her mother’s death to become the elephant in the room each time we talk.

This is not romantic in any way.

  • Joshi@aussie.zone
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    1 month ago

    It obviously depends a lot on your relationship with them but what people usually need at times like this is to know you care, that they aren’t alone, and that you are there to help if needed.

    It’s also important to give them the option to opt out of anything you offer and allow them space.

    Something like ‘I know this must be a really hard time for you, you’ve been in my thoughts. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you out or even just talk’ then leave it at that unless they want to talk or need help. It acknowledges their grief, offers help, but crucially doesn’t make an obligation for them.

  • bstix@feddit.dk
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    1 month ago

    This is a topic that my union recently addressed, because it turns out that most companies do not have a policy on how to handle sorrow, and this often results in a less than ideal situation for both the employee, employer and coworkers.

    Sorrow is comparable to and often leads to stress. Having all the coworkers individually send flowers, showing secondhand sympathy, acting weird about it and themselves having to tell the story over and over does not help on the stress. It might even affect other coworkers too, who might have experienced losses too, triggering their issues over and over again. The result is that the entire work place is in a state of sorrow where they either tip toe around the topic or constantly brings it up. This is very unlikely to be what the person needs. It’s very different what kind of attention each person wants. Some people like to keep working as usual, using the work as a distraction or safe space from the mourning process all together. In a situation like this, it is nice to know that they are needed. Removing their workload could be a bears favour. Nobody wants get told that someone else did your job. It’s basically giving them either an existential threat or a burden of bad consciousness, because then who has to do those tasks and for how long.

    All of this shows that even the best intentions can easily lead to more sick days or resignations throughout the entire company if the sorrow of one person is mismanaged. The right way is for the company to have a guideline or politic on who does what. The management must take the dialogue of which tasks can or should be handed over in what time frame, who informs the other employees of the death, the distribution of work, and on behalf of the individual: how they want to be treated on their work place.

    Leaving it up to everyone is a recipe for disaster.

    In your case, in short: At least make an effort to coordinate any gifts with the rest of your coworkers, so that the person in sorrow does not have to address you all individually and to avoid any other coworkers being left out or creating social groupings etc.

  • ji17br@lemmy.ml
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    1 month ago

    Unless you know they are religious definitely avoid saying “they are in a better place now”.

  • ReanuKeeves@lemm.ee
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    1 month ago

    People generally like food and grieving people don’t always have the energy to cook, is there anything you make well? Lasagna? Soup? Mac n cheese?

  • HubertManne@moist.catsweat.com
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    1 month ago

    There really is nothing you can do. Losing a parent is such a deeply personal thing and you just give your condolences and realize that person is going to be sad about it pretty much the rest of their lives but less so day by day.

  • jws_shadotak@sh.itjust.works
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    1 month ago

    You could put together a dish of some kind that she can just toss in the oven to cook. People often neglect to eat when mourning because they have a lot going on.

    Easy ones are lasagna or baked potatoes or casseroles.

    Just pre-made, ready to throw in the oven.

  • ValiantDust@feddit.org
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    1 month ago

    If it was one of my coworkers I would offer them to come to me if they either need someone to talk to or need a distraction. For example going on a walk during our break or go get some food together, though these may not be applicable to your workplace.

  • HippoMoto@lemmy.ml
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    30 days ago

    I heard a great podcast with Frank Ostaseski where he talked about how isolating death is. No one wants to bring up what happened, because it may upset you (spoiler: you are already upset) and you don’t want to burden others by talking about it. This traps you into dealing with it alone. I think the best thing you can do is just be available. Tell them you are genuinely want to listen if they want to talk about it. Perhaps make the offer again in a few weeks when others have moved on. No pressure, just be open to listening. Most of us just want to be heard

  • Nougat@fedia.io
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    1 month ago

    Whatever your existing dynamic with this coworker is, keep it the same. More than enough people are going to be backing away because they don’t want to do “the wrong thing,” or getting unnecessarily closer because they want to “be supportive.” Those are both just extra changes she’ll have to deal with along with the loss of her mother.

    Offer stability. You can even explain this out loud to her directly.

  • Notyou@sopuli.xyz
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    30 days ago

    People already said what I was going to say, so I’ll add something new.

    Set a reminder for Mother’s Day. It will be here in a couple months and she will have to remember the pain a bit. The ‘first blank’ without her Mom will be happening a lot this year. Those are the time to let her know you are available if needed.