How much time have you spent being single?
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
What are / were the pros and cons?
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
What are the pros and cons?
I was born in 1987, sooooo, 36.5 years and counting…
I wasn’t mature enough to be interested in finding a girlfriend in school, when I started being interested I got fat and balding.
Then it has now gone so long that I am worried about how an inexperienced virgin would be seen by women in their 30s/40s.
I have a good job, limited debt, own my apartment and my car, have decent finances, have lived alone for ten years so can take care of chores, pay bills, I am a decent cook (if lazy), I enjoy photography and simple adventures.
I am a bit insecure of my weight, but am trying to work on it when I can, I go swimming 3 times a week during periods when I can do that.
The main issue is that I don’t know where to start finding someone.
Have you asked yourself wether it’s truly something you want for yourself, or instead, perhaps a feeling that you’re behind on some social benchmark? I ask because I’m 33 with a relatively similar experience, but when a woman I dated told me she thought I might be asexual, when I did the research and asked myself these questions I realized I was operating entirely on the supposition that I’m ‘normal’, and not that the urges to be in relationships and have sex likely stemmed from a perceived social obligation.
Once I realized that in my heart of hearts I’ve never actually experienced an urge to have sex with another person, I embraced an asexual identity. Without sex as a motivator, I soon realized I didn’t even experience romantic attraction.
Some folks think this is sad, but in truth I’m so much happier and carefree, without the pressures to fit into a mold that doesn’t actually fit me, much less the stresses of maintaining a relationship.
Ace gigachad.
That is a very good point, I have thought about it and mostly embraced the idea of never experiencing sex, and it sure is relaxing to just not worry about it.
On the other hand, I am quite lonely, I have few friends, and sometimes it is tough to deal with shit on my own.
Dealing with mycoplasma and pneumonia at the same time for one and a half months mostly on my own was not fun, even had to go to the hospital for that, and stayed two nights before starting to get better.
Sex for me would be interesting, I like learning how things work and with a partner who would be patient with me I think it would be quite enjoyable.
I know sex is a very important part of a relationship for many people, and I am mostly worried that I would be too disappointing in that area.
What I mainly am looking for in a relationship is companionship, I am getting tired of allways being alone, though I will concede that being single and living alone makes planning a breeze for the most part.
Finding likeminded people in yours 30s and 40s can be tough. I’ve had good luck meeting people at volunteer events that align with my hobbies/passion - for me it’s IT so I go to repair events, but also go to local community cleanup days, food banks, etc. I’m sure there’s something out there that works for your interests.
If volunteering isn’t your cup of tea, try taking a class at community college! There’s plenty of adult education courses that are mostly for fun and only last a few nights, like How to Make Pasta From Scratch, or How to Paint a Simple Oil Painting. They tend to draw a diverse crowd and it’s easy to chat and make friends. And maybe there will be a spark!
Don’t put too much pressure on your weight or baldness. That’s exactly the type of guy that many folks are looking for. Don’t wait until you fit your own idea of attractiveness to find someone who loves you for you!
Currently somewhere around 10 years single.
I struggle with social cues, anxiety, etc.
It’s lonely.
I’ve been single for about 7 years myself & struggle with the same thing.
Would you say that you’re confident in yourself or not so much?
Confidence? Not so much. But it’s less a fear of rejection, and more a fear of upsetting someone.
In short, my thought process goes like this:
- Approaching women can make them uncomfortable.
- I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
- Therefore, I don’t approach women.
I basically limit myself to online dating, but as we all know, that’s a shit show unless you’re in the top 10% on the scale of attractiveness. And so I’ve been single 10+ years.
I generally went a year and half after a break-up before swearing off women; once I swear off women I have a new girlfriend within two weeks. Never fails.
Two weeks! What do you do, such that you’re meeting new people so frequently? I don’t think I’ve met anyone new in years!
I’ve often said that most problems in my life could be attributed to lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, lack of partyin’, or lack of churchgoin’. The latter two certainly help meet people.
How much time have you spent being single?
Not long enough.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Both.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Very much so.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
- no more compromises (this covers most of the pros)
- more money in the bank
Cons:
- sometimes I miss someone to share something (both good and bad)
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Nope.
How much time have you spent being single?
Not long enough.
Did you have a bad experience with a relationship recently or something of that nature?
Over a year.
I hate people. Modern dating is a shit show. Not interested.
What makes you hate people?
I’ve been single for most of my adult life. I prefer it to being in a relationship, as I like myself better single.
How come?
I’m not good partner and it makes me feel bad. I also don’t like the feeling of additional stress that comes in being in a relationship.
I was in two brief relationships with the same person some 10 years ago. I am single certainly by choice, I’m a sovereign person who loves their absolute independence, I get to do or not do whatever I want, whenever I want. Committing to be with someone is not my thing.
Sometimes it’s lonely when a certain kind of friend is not available. Befriending single people is always a gamble, if they enter a relationship they are likely to fade out of existence pretty quick.
About two weeks now, she broke it off cause I fucked up, I know I did.
a few months ago we had sex, it had been building and it was nice, but about a week or two after she said she didn’t want anymore till marriage for religious reasons, which I understood as we both come from Christian backgrounds.
The problem came from my sexual frustration affecting my actions, I tried respecting her boundary but as we would cuddle a lot, I would get aroused and then frustrated with myself.
Two weeks prior to our breakup, I asked if she would let me relieve myself as I tried this the last time we hung out and was much more relaxed, but I didn’t want to force her out of the room to do so
So I asked if she wanted to stay, she first said yes, which I knew was a lie, and I asked her again at which she said no and left the room
She came back a few minutes later and asked to go home, which I took her home feeling awful cause I knew I made her uncomfortable.
Other frustrations with family and financial that I didn’t deal with caused me to act irrationally (generally just irritated) the subsequent weeks, she then broke it off and it took me awhile to realize all of what I had done, I knew I messed up that day, but that wasn’t the only thing.
I should’ve changed my mindset and made her boundary my boundary, and reached out and talked about what was frustrating me instead of dancing around it, I feel awful and want to try and fix it, I miss her family deeply and all I want to do is have dinner with them, sit on the couch and watch a stupid movie.
I’m trying to do other things that make me happy but I’m finding it tough, tried working out but I lose energy quickly, games are feeling dull, my friends that I can still hangout with aren’t available right now and won’t be for months. I’m having trouble finding a job, and I’m considering joining the military, but I’m just tired, so so tired.
People say that it gets better with time, but I just feel like it’s getting worse. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better but idk. She was my first relationship, but we’ve known each other for a long time, and I’ve known her family for just as long, and it feels like a lot of things I love are just gone now.
Sounds like you don’t have the same boundaries or really want the same things. That’s a compatibility issue. Yeah, pushing her boundaries was probably wrong. The right thing to do would’ve been acknowledging you want something different and breaking it off.
And it does get easier with time. Maybe not every day but month by month it gets easier.
29 years later this month
Both? Never had any good chances to ask anyone out, but also never had the drive to find one
As much as anyone with undiagnosed mental conditions who’s making $7.25 an hour possibly can
Don’t have to spend money on dates, don’t have to open up to anyone, but also don’t have any dates to spend money on, and don’t have anyone to open up to
At some point probably, but point #3 makes it hard
Seven years.
How much time have you spent being single?
Since the last “we might get married” relationship its been almost 15 years.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
The main reasons I am single are that I dont go out and socialize enough to find someone and I haven’t really tried to find someone because I didn’t feel I was in a good place to be in a relationship.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
I am ok being single but it would be nice to find my other half or at least have a stronger social network.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros: freedom, not being with someone that made me feel worse than being alone
Cons: can be lonely, a healthy relationship is more appealing.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Eventually I’d like to find “my other half” but I also know that there are worse things than being single and I’d rather make meeting my social needs my goal rather than not being single the goal.
How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?
As an adult, probably 1.5 years was the longest without being in a relationship or at least seriously dating.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Married, so N/A
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Yes, overall.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros: more time with friends (you should always make time for them and can obviously still interact with them and your partner together but you have to make time for your partner, so there’s less available for friends), time to work on yourself and reflect/improve.
Cons: not having that special emotional connection, having less physical intimacy
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes, I guess. Enough of a goal that I tried online dating.
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
No, my personal and professional goals are still the same.
Outside of my prepubescent years, I spent roughly 4.5 years being “Single”. I did have some partners here and there but never rose to a full relationship. I was simply a bit of a wreck after a bad relationship ended and destroyed my trust.
Ultimately, I’m a companion orientated person and a bit of a romantic. Being single isn’t the end of the world for me but I miss casual touch and someone to do things with. I make due and am generally happy and haven’t really been in the market searching for about 1.5 years now.
The pros of being single: free time, make plans with whomever, low drama, quiet life.
Cons: free time, lack of general intimacy, lack of hobby sharing, and doing things as I am companion oriented
My partnership goal would be to find someone who has some hobby interests that align with mine and likes the quiet life. At this point I won’t be having kids and marriage doesn’t feel all that important. I don’t need a document to agree to be with someone. I’d just want a place out in a rural area where we can enjoy quiet living, gardening, tinkering, and evenings with fires, jokes and the occasional hosting of people to hang out.
I’m going to be an outlier here, since I got a boyfriend at 16 I was single for about 6 months. I dated that boyfriend for 6 years, spent some time single and then started dating my now husband. We were friends before I broke up with my ex, the breakup wasn’t related at all.
Right now, I’m five and a half years out of my previous one. Basically, recovering and growing up before I start another one.
At this point I’m scared though because it’s been way longer than I thought it would take
