Edit: People are really making me out to be an evil psychopath with no empathy. I get that you can only tell so much from one post, but it’s incredibly far from the truth. I have people that love and adore in my life and would do anything for. It just takes me a long ass time to get to that point…and as an introvert, my social battery with new people wears down quickly. Online dating is just difficult. I am not rude to others. Conversations just quickly peter out and neither I or my match end up continuing for much longer. The “ghosting” I speak of is often mutual. These aren’t people I’ve interacted with for months that I suddenly stop talking to. It’s chatting for a day or several and then we peter out.
If you think from this small post that I am such a psychopath as to discard a literal child, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just leaping to such wild conclusions that I don’t even know how to respond. I don’t even necessarily want kids…I just want to be able to have the option to.
I’m sorry if this is too odd or specific of a question, but I have a bit of a dilemma.
I live alone. I have some work friends work friends, but they basically stay just friends at work. So I get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I just want to have someone around to do stuff with me. And sometimes I wonder what it might be like to raise a family.
So I occasionally try dating apps. But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
The thing is, I don’t really have much capacity to feel attracted to people. I’m probably somewhere on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums. So you’d think, why date? Just make a friendship then. But there are some things you can’t do with a friend…like raise a family and such.
Plus, I don’t even think I could manage a friendship with how difficult it is for me to like someone. I don’t like anyone I just met. It takes a long time for me to enjoy and appreciate people, and many never actually make it to the point of someone I really like. There have been a couple of times where I have tried hanging out with people as friends and it’s just…kind of dissatisfying to me?? Yet I really like hanging out with certain members of my family. I don’t get it.
Plus like…what are you even supposed to do on a date or on an outing with friends? What are you supposed to say when you’re chatting with a partner? How long and often are you supposed to chat with each other? I feel like I need some sort of a step by step guidebook because I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
Sorry if this is too specific. I’m just wondering if anyone else out there is as confused with human interaction as I am.
Instead of looking for people to date, look for people to be in your DND campaign.
Or else join the 501st legion or something like that.
Main point is that you don’t focus on the dating stuff and instead focus on the social interactions.
Go to an in-person event for a thing that you like and see if you enjoy the company of anyone there. I’m not sure how you’ll find a relationship if you can’t make a friendship first, so I would just start with friends.
Going to an event focusing on something you already like means that you will enjoy it even if you don’t meet anyone interesting and you will also have at least one thing in common with everyone there.
Also, you don’t have to talk to someone on an app all the time. Move off of the app (text, calling, in-person, etc.) and set a certain window of time for socializing. I get that you might feel pressure to talk constantly, but just be honest - something like, “hey, I like talking to you but I have other things to get done now; we can chat more later” works fine as long as they’re emotionally mature.
i know how you feel.
i don’t really have any advice.
i stopped dating a little before covid, and never started again.
i feel lonely sometimes, but i have friends and a cat.
I must be missing the cat part lol
Perhaps it’s good to start with finding out why you dislike people so easily, or why spending time with other’s is so dissatisfying.
If you can, perhaps consider talking to a therapist about it. They understand how people work, and can help you figure out why you struggle with connecting.
As for orientation, things just work differently when you’re aroace. I’d say focus on the first part.
It’s not that I dislike them. It’s just that I’m not immediately in love with anyone. Otherwise, I have no affinity for them and socially it’s incredibly draining. People are getting a bit of a wrong idea. I don’t hate people at all. And I actually have the capacity to feel incredibly deep connections to others. It’s just that it takes a long ass time to get there and is usually done passively over the span of many months. I don’t see how any amount of therapy could possibly make me immediately fall in love with anyone.
Thinking you need to immediately fall in love with someone is an issue. That’s not a realistic expectation to put on yourself or them
This ^
Thanks, man. I’ve known and seen so many people that do. And even most in the comments here seem to think that I should just never bother to try because I don’t operate that way.
Your ‘problem’ is thinking that you must fall in love in order to start a relationship. Falling in love might work in the beginnen, but makes it harder in to long run when it wears off. After that you need to invest time and effort to maintain the relationship.
I’m currently in an 8 year relationship with the woman of my dreams. I was happy not falling in love immediately, because love makes blind resulting in making wrong decisions (own experience). After a while I started to appreciate who she was and what she meant for me, then the feeling of love kicked in. This feeling goes up and down which it should, because being in love all the time is something you really don’t want.
Get out there and talk to people, be honest about your feelings and I’m sure you will find the correct person to share your life with and start a family. Love is nice, but not necessary. Good luck.
People rarely fall in love immediately. While love at first sight does happen, it‘s not the norm. Relationships build over time. You start with mutual interest, try to build a friendship and eventually it might click. If you bail before giving it a real chance, then of course, it’s unlikely you’ll build a deep connection with anyone.
This is good to hear, honestly. I felt like I am taking crazy pills a bit when so many people in these comments are saying there is something wrong with me for not being immediately really into someone I just met.
I think one of the difficulties I had is that…maybe a decade ago when I was a lot younger, I had someone who was interested in me. I wasn’t interested in them, but they were nice and so I thought I would maybe try it. We go on a date and it’s going fine but the guy wants to be able to kiss and stuff.
I get that boundaries are a thing and you can tell people no, but… I noticed at that point that most people are sexual. And most sexual people seem to be immediately interested in making out and having sex with someone. I get that not everyone is this way, but the majority of people are because they are driven by sex. So it’s all just a bit confusing and difficult to navigate as someone on the asexual spectrum.
It might help being up front about that to potential partners, be it on an app or on a real life date. It sets the expectations right. And while most people are indeed sexual, there are still a lot who aren’t. You aren’t the only person on the ace spectrum that likes companionship. I’ve even met people who are aromantic and asexual and still have something you could probably consider a relationship, even if there are neither romantic nor sexual feelings involved. There’s a lid for everyone, you just have to meet someone who gets you.
Nobody falls in love immediately. Some people feel like they do, but that’s infatuation. My wife and I dated for 3 months before we ever kissed. You don’t have to rush these things, and it’s almost certainly better if you don’t.
You sound exactly like me. I’m neurodivergent and went to therapy and it’s somewhat fixed my issues with anti-social behavior that you seem to have and depression which sounds like you also have.
You guys should get married!
You want to join us and make it an ugly trio?
I would, but I’m spoken for already. I’m sure there are plenty of others here who will!
Would you mind expanding a bit on the anti social behavior and how therapy altered it personally?
Anti-social is very very different than A-social. With the former, a person is deliberately destroying the interactions with others either inadvertently or purposefully. With the latter, one simply does not have well developed social skills.
You are anti social. You need to talk to a fucking therapist. Stop trying to get free therapy from idiots and dipshits from the internet. Go to, and pay, a fucking professional therapist.
I resonate with most of your post. I deleted and rewrote this 5 different ways because I simply just don’t post on the internet, but I’ve been coming around to the possibility that I’m gay with maybe some demi or ace on the side. As another more eloquent commenter said, I’m not saying that this is the case for you, but it just put things into perspective for me that I may have been unaware of a dimension of myself even in my mid-30s. Hope you have a lovely day.
Also, I like your saying about how everything changes, and to stick it out for the next inevitable change. I added it to my growing mantra list.
To be honest, I have thought now and then that “maybe I’m just gay”. But I still don’t seem to feel any of that stuff as strongly as sexual people do so idk.
I’ve never dated someone from the same sex, but I’ve been curious about it. These asexual dating sites are mostly filled with men, though, so it’s hard to find a woman both that I’m interested in and that ends up responding to me. My profiles put me as open to both men and women, but I’ve yet to find a woman that wants to mutually chat tbh.
Well good luck to us both! I have yet to find someone, but I hope we each find what we’re looking for
Thank you very much for your kind words. Same to you! 😊
Being blunt here, but it seems like you like the idea of dating and relationships, but probably not the reality of them.
I would suggest a pair of guinea pigs.
Get platonic friends through a hobby, like D&D, online gaming, rock climbing, music, etc. Find something you can enjoy locally (ideally).
I was in a similar boat for a long time before finally realizing that I’m gay. Now I’m happily in a relationship with someone that I can’t get enough of.
I’m not implying that you’re gay, but instead suggesting that maybe you just haven’t met the kind of person that fills your social meter instead of draining it. Other comments here on finding friends that match your hobbies are great ideas, and would be a great place to start. Friends can become the best lovers, can become the best life partners.
Tbh, I have occasionally wondered if maybe I’m just gay. I’ve never dated someone from my same sex, but I’ve wanted to try. Problem is on these asexual dating sites, they are mostly filled with men. So they are the ones I get the most back and forth with. I’ve yet to really mutually interact with a woman that I’ve had an interest with on there.
I’d rather not stray too far out of the asexual realm when thinking about a partner tbh. It would be nice if there were more aces locally to do stuff with and get to know, but there just aren’t.
Sounds like you want a roommate
I’d say if you truly think you want a partner and not just company, then go talk to a therapist about it and work on turning things around.
If you just want company then go get a dog or cat.
Just curious on what you think this needs therapy for? I can’t change my sexual orientation (or lack thereof) and I can’t change my lack of social battery and I can’t magically love people I’ve just met, no matter how much therapy I could possibly have.
Haha I do think about getting a pet sometimes. Although they are a lot harder to travel with than another human being, for example!
I didn’t mean to imply that you need therapy more that if you feel this is something that you really want but can’t achieve then it would probably help to work that out with a therapist.
If it’s not something you want, then you’ll need to find companionship some other way since a relationship probably won’t work.
If you really want a relationship, you need therapy to figure out some things. Lemmy is not the place. From where we are all sitting, it sounds like you do not want a relationship. Or a healthy one at that
It’s interesting that people are suggesting that I just be alone forever or think that I need therapy to fix my orientation.
I mean, surely I can’t be the only person on the planet that can’t immediately fall in love with people they just met, right??? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here that this is the answer. It takes me a long time to develop those kinds of connections.
No, you don’t need therapy to fix your orientation. You need therapy to get a better understanding of yourself. Your post and replies seem like you don’t actually want a relationship. And I don’t mean sex, I mean a human to human relationship. Like you even say you get tired of potential partners and ghost them and you say it like it’s nothing. That’s hella mean and spells out that you either don’t recognized how mean it is, or you do and you aren’t actually interested in people in general. If you just wanna talk to people for a little bit with such a short battery, then normal friendship would suffice.
No one’s asking you to fall in love. We’re saying you gotta reavaluate your wants.
Oh please, I’m hardly the only one that ghosts people on these sites. Half of the time, the other person stops talking and ghosts me instead. Online dating is a different sort of beast and it’s difficult to wade through it. I’m more than polite and friendly in person.
Hell, I’d actually like it if there was a way to set up in person dates with asexuals. It’s just difficult considering how rare asexuals are to begin with.
Look, I don’t hate or dislike you. And I’m sorry if I came off as mean. Maybe you don’t need therapy, maybe you do. But I do stand by that you need to take a hard look at what you really want. Because on one hand you talk about how you can’t stand talking to people consistently for more than a few weeks. On the other you really want a relationship, or something similar.
Asexual is indeed a rare sexuality, but asexual and lacking the battery to deal with people more than a few weeks at a time is even rarer. You can’t have any sort of a family (that you mention on the post) with that sort of problem which is why I suggest therapy. Someone to get to know you and professionally align you to what you really want and need.
People do ghost others all the time. I’m not focusing on others though. I’m only mentioning it because it’s something you mentioned and not a good way to end a relationship. That’s not a healthy way to end the relationship and shows a lack of consistency in what you are trying to achieve.
Internet strangers can only provide so much insight here. I don’t wanna hurt you in any way, I do hope you find someone you don’t want to ghost at all. You’re ace, so I would try instead asking around for ace communities. They can at least get you on one track that you’re looking for.
Oh please, I’m hardly the only one that ghosts people on these sites. Half of the time, the other person stops talking and ghosts me instead.
Looks like you need therapy for your lack of empathy. “At least half of the other people are assholes too” is a piss poor excuse for being an asshole yourself.
Your whole post is a big, glaring, flashing red flag. It makes it pretty clear that in a potential relationship of two people, only your feelings are important to you. Definitely not good friend material and you sure as shit shouldn’t be raising children.
They don’t deserve these kind of insults. They came here for help. They didn’t kick a child. Saying stuff like you’re saying is rougher, meaner, and more unhelpful than you might think it is.
Fwiw, my partner and I have been dating 4 years and have only had sex a few times. She’s demi and I’m ace.
Maybe try OkCupid and set yourself as demi?
How did you two meet? Seems to be an unusual situation tbh!
OkCupid lol
Ah nice! Congrats! I think one of the reasons I’m not having success with these dating sites is everyone who’s ace is too freaking far away lol. I’m not ldr material it seems!
Right, some advice from an allo person with an ace family member:
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Dating and meeting people is hard, I’m sorry to say. Same as making friends, sometimes it just happens but most of the time it takes putting yourself out there in a meaningful and deliberate way.
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Liking someone and being interested in dating them does not usually hit like a bolt from the blue. It often grows over a while. You’ll often have to build a friendship with someone before you build a relationship.
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If you find someone tiring and boring, don’t date them. If you find everyone you meet boring and tiring after very little time then you have two options, either really challenge that preconception internally or consider whether you actually want to date.
If you want to date but aren’t ready to actually put in the time and effort to get to know people then you are really going to struggle. Are you going to want to date someone long term when you don’t even want to be connected to them for more than a few days?
There is also no guidebook, as much as it would be easier that way. People are individuals and dating requires you to see another as a person, not a puzzle to be solved. The only piece of advice that actually applies as a blanket is “be interested in them”. You need to actually take an interest in who they are, what they do, how they feel. Ask the questions and listen to the answers.
Good luck, truly. Learning how to do friendship and relationship stuff is fucking hard. But getting interested in people is the most rewarding approach to take (at least in my experience, and that of my close friends).
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On the one hand, I firmly believe that whatever attributes you have, there are people who want exactly that. On the other hand, the less popular those attributes are, the fewer people there are who want them. You apparently need someone who leans towards sexuality, is patient enough to deal with someone who is somewhat antisocial, and is willing to put up with kind of rude things like being ghosted or whatever, but is interested in reading a kid with someone like that. That’s a tiny percentage of people. You didn’t mention if you have other qualities that would be really attractive to people and might help balancing things out.
So what you do is just keep plugging at it, while understanding that it’s probably going to be a long search.
Lol. I wasn’t looking to make this into a dating ad for myself. So no, I didn’t list my positive qualities. I was just explaining my difficulties with dating in general and that I’m a bit confused as to how the whole thing works for everyone.
Oh, I understood, just saying that all we heard was a bunch of negatives for most people, and I’m trying to recognize that they might be somewhat balanced by some positives.
For most attributes, most people fall somewhere within normal tolerances. People might lean towards being introverted or extroverted, have sex as a higher or lower priority, etc., but they aren’t that far away from a midpoint. You have some attributes that you’re way out at the 90+ percentile, and that means your experience is likely going to be different from most people’s.
That’s probably pretty frustrating. You’re as deserving of happy, rewarding relationships as anyone, but like the guy with the size 16 shoe, you’re going to be harder to fit than most.
Get a cat
