I had a friend who I was close with for many years, she always had high aspirations, talked to me almost daily about all of the things she wanted to do. Things were like having large career aspirations, moving to a big city, seeing the world, traveling.

Then she got married, and bought a house 15 minutes from her parents, and had 3 kids, all within 5 years. Her career is a standard midwest white woman job and her travel consists of visiting family one state over and going to Disney World once every 5 years or so. We drifted apart, I did end up moving to a big city, I chose a career and travel over having kids, but I think about her every once in a while.

Were those choices hers? Were they compromises? Did society pressure her into a certain life, or did she truly want to change her life for it? Were the things she talked about just dreams, or did she not believe she could accomplish them. I don’t feel pity or anger, but I do wonder why she made the choices she did. I guess I hope she’s happy and that she lives her life without regrets. Everyone who chooses that life says adamantly they never regretted it, but do they really mean it? No regrets at all?

There was a boy in French high school who seemed a bit impaired, in the sense that he seemed way more childish than people are at this age, so he was often mocked, and I don’t remember him having any brilliant grades. Turns out he went into the top of the top of the French scientific universities (École Polytechnique).
Think Harvard level of prestige (countless top scientists, leaders and CEOs from there), but specialized in science, with way fewer seats, fully paid by the state and an extremely competitive entry exam that the best French students spend 2 to 3 years preparing for after high-school, with the vast majority failing and entering the next schools on the prestige list (still a lot of other prestigious schools under it). I guess he exploded his intellectual potential at this time, when others just implode into depression due to the high pressure.
I was floored when I learned about it and really happy that he took his revenge this way.

Myself, not that I did something so beyond recognition but I think about where I am now a lot.

I was a very naïve, somewhat sheltered Midwestern kid to a 17 year old mother who married (someone else) happily when I was just six months old. In elementary school and into middle school I was never popular and kind of chunky. I’ve always been a computer geek and started making websites when I was around 10 (I was bored a lot).

Heading into high school I made tons of friends in different groups. I had friends in the “drug crowd” but wasn’t into drugs myself. I graduated early only to go into working in fast food and never could finish college.

In my 20s I got really into weed and drinking and I had a friend who inherited a ton of money and long story short, we moved to Los Angeles. Tons of partying and lots of hard drugs later, we moved back but I came back alone two years later with nothing more than a backpack, computer monitor and $800.

10+ years later, I don’t party nor take drugs and have a rather boring life as a web application developer after ~5 years in warehouse jobs.

I’m generally very happy, but I’m very frustrated with the world after having lived in a big city now for almost half my life and having not been raised knowing how exactly the world works — if took me much, much longer to get where I am than those optimistic 90s teachers had me believe it would. Some days I daydream and wish I could go back to those wild days living it up, taking a couple mollies and not having a single a care in the world.

Had a friend in high school who was an out lesbian, very independent. Was the first person I knew married at, like, 24 or so to some guy she met online.

Had a terrible bully who got bone cancer. She still alive, but she calmed down considerably. I remember they were asking people at school to get blood tested as they were having difficulty finding a marrow match, and most of us were like “👀.”

Had a friend, super advanced in math/science. Basically finished high school in 2 years, went to university at 14/15, took computer engineering or some similar hard STEM program, was a teaching assistant tutoring people older than him, snuck into the university bars a few times showing his student ID while he was underage because how many people expect a 17 year old graduate student?

Anyways he became a pastor.

I have a relative who was a brilliant student in school, studied law, moved to China, learned the language, always very high achieving and motivated to succeed in what ever she chose to do, seemed like she was aiming high career-wise, then she met an arab guy, turned muslim to marry him, got two kids, as far as I know is a house wife now. They live in the Emirates so life must be very restricted for her. We are not close but it was quite surprising that she chose a closed life and conservative religion instead of career. But like said, I don’t know her enough to know her side of the story, but I’m sure she’s happy with her life.

A friend of mine, when I first got to know him, didn’t strike to me as a person with many goals in life and was at that point unemployed and living with his cousin, hadn’t really studied, wasn’t doing much anything. Well he got into gardening, wen’t to career school to become a gardener, one day he decides to become a landscape architect and study in the most top tier university in the country, so he just studied to the entrance exam like hell, failed a couple times and kept on pushing and finally got it. Very proud of him. Not the easiest path if you come from career school background. Also how the hell can someone be so motivated to bang their head onto the wall until they finally succeed?!

A dear friend of mine, singer and ballet dancer for a band I always loved, one day collapsed on stage. Turns out he had a massive brain tumor. He retired from music and is now gardening a lot. None of us - even his family - expected him to survive.

He’s living a very peaceful life these days and I love that for him. Needless to say his garden is to die for.

My friend from high school, very smart, got a technical Bachelors degree and then became a circus performer. Figured it would be for a few years max but it’s been 15 and they’re still at it.

Donald Trump.

Me i left religion✌️

The double split experiment.

Trigger warning: Topic of Suicide

When I was a kid, my mom would read the news about some famous people who killed themselves, or some random college kid killing themselves, and she told me those stories and ask me what I thought of it. I thought they were stupid for killing themselves, because nothing could possibly be worse than death, I thought, childhood me chouldn’t understand the thought of suicide.

Then I slowly became depressed and I became so bored of life and I became a suicidal person that younger me would’ve looked at me and think it’s stupid.

Well I did not really did a serious attempt, but I did like very reckless things like I once took an entire month supply of antidepressants desparately wanting to feel better, I did this like I think 5 times. I also took like 15 sleeping pills at a time for like serveral times within a few months. I even took like like 30 then my body just couldnt handle it and I threw up. I also ignored health advice like getting vaccinated for covid (don’t judge, my head wasn’t even in the right place to think clearly) even tho I am usually pro vaccine, I just decided I wanted to increase my odds of dying. Well I didn’t die, which kinda sucks. I also don’t really care about my weight and just eat whatever I felt like. I’m pre diabetic, might get diabetes. I might have stomach issues with GERD or whatever but I dont even care.

I’m not brave enough to end it immediately, so I’m just slowly killing my self.

Oh yea dont even get me started on how my depression got me into a fight in high school that ended up with me detained for a few hours at the police station. I didn’t start the fight but whatever. F the police.

My life is just a downward spiral, recent election results is pushing me towards the edge. Never forsaw this shitty future.