DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.
there’s a brown pelican that hangs out on the railing of a very narrow portion of a boardwalk nearby. the only reason it makes me nervous is because it’s huge, but their nails look short, and their beaks are pointed, but curved downwards so they would have to try to bite me with that long thing instead of pecking me.
like, if a bird capable of clawing or eating my eyes out attacked my face, I’d honestly have no qualms about killing it immediately. but if I ever get attacked by a pelican, it looks like I could just kind of hold it off without having to hurt it. am I right in that?
Ok so my experience comes from catching chickens and clawed ducks as a child, so assuming you’re a full grown adult, and this chart, the ratios are the same.
You gotta catch them from surprise, from the back, but it sounds like you’re already in the fight if shit goes down. The beak is your issue. The wings are just a distraction. Get the pelican bastard from the neck, as high as possible if you can and try to grab the legs. ChatGPT says they don’t really use their legs to fight, but worst case, start swinging it. I bet once you clamp on the beak, it’ll be hard for it to open. Like how alligators can chomp down, but have trouble opening. Once it’s subdued, it might stay freaked out for a while. You just gotta hold it until it accepts defeat.
Then take it to your mom and she’ll take the head and feathers off for dinner.
Best of luck brother.
You can never plan to fight a pelican. It just happens. We’ve all been there.
it’s a long-standing tradition. all official pelican fights must be a surprise
I haven’t. Did I miss much?
I’ve been attached by geese though.
Emotionally or physically?
Rejection hurts 🤕
Not as much as geese bites. They’re vicious medium sized bastards.
*physical rejection 😔
I don’t live in a place that’s even remotely hospitable for pelicans but you’re right. It just kind of happens sometimes. Like a fact of life
What’s it going to do? Swallow you? Lmao. It can try. I don’t see how it can intentionaly hurt an actual human.
DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.
I need this on a T-shirt.
Seriously, this is the best thing I have seen on the Internet in a long time. It’s like I’m in 2013 all over again. Lol.
it should be like “I’m not planning on fighting a pelican”
Nah, I like the original way more.
“I’m not planning on fighting a pelican” comes off as “well, I’m not planning on it, but it could happen”,
while “I’m not planning on fighting a pelican” comes off as almost a political statement: “Statement: I do not have plans to fight a pelican.” like a politician at a press release.
I feel the latter would confuse people more. Lol.
during the first women’s march I wore a shirt that said “nobody for president” and everybody loved it including the counterprotesters
I thought the exact same thing when I read the title and first line. Post of the year.
You could get that printer on a T-Shirt very cheap online.
Probably better to pay more though as when I’ve done this with cheap ones they don’t last.
Good idea, though sadly I cannot afford that at the moment.
We were on a Zoo trip during summer camp, me and my brother and a bunch of other kids from our judo class. Mostly early teens.
Certain areas in the Zoo had free roaming animals, mostly kangaroos, emu, peacocks, some ponies, goats and sheep. A couple kids had the great idea to pester the pelicans. Pelican are a funny bunch that keep begging for treats with their giant beaks open and waddling around. They look less than threatening, although they have that frowny looking eye.
Anyway the kids decided it’d be fun to take turns spitting into the beaks of one particular giant pelican instead of giving it treats. It didn’t really like it but the kids kept persisting, daring to lean in closer and closer into the pelican’s wide open beak. Finally my stupid little brother in the spur of the moment thought he’d show the other kids how it’s done. He ran up to the pelican, leaned in really close and spit the most nasty wad into its beak. At that moment the pelican turned its head sideways and
*** CLAP ***
I’ll never forget the sight of my brothers head being completely engulfed by a giant beak.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The grab only lasted for a blink of an eye. My brother didn’t even have time to realize what happened and struggle against it. He came out with a surprised and slightly scratched face. The surprise turned into a grin and then laughter within seconds.
Nevertheless, the pelican gained the respect from the kids and they’ve stopped pestering it. But somehow I imagine that this is basically the worst they can do. Give you a stereo-slap on your ears with their beak. You are safe against that brown pelican.
Be glad it’s not a cobra chicken.
Those people are assholes. Like I was a prick when I was younger but never to animals and doing stuff like this.
I’m gonna let everyone in on a lil secret.
You can absolutely fuck up a bird. Their bones are hollow and light, making them super kickable. Even a 4" human still has multiple feet of height over most species of bird, meaning you can wind up a solid kick and still probably send whatever beaked menace is after you flying. If it comes for your eyes or face, even your weakest punch will give it pause.
Now, defending yourself from a bird attack without harming the bird attacking you? Yeah that’s really hard, because most of your immediate reactions like trying to grab or restrain it will likely result in hurting the bird.
The image of a 4 inch tall human towering over a bird amuses me.
Except for swans… which are giant geese. Those two are very durable.
At least one person has died from being attacked by a swan while kayaking.
did you know that one of the reasons their bones are hollow is because they assist the lungs with intaking oxygen to provide all the oxygen needed for flight? it’s not just weight saving
TIL, that’s really neat.
Now do Canada Goose.
Canadian Geese are how I got this experience, I used to live in a town that they regularly migrated through and got into two scraps with them in my youth. They’re one of the few birds that I have zero sympathy fucking up, because both times they tried to attack me, I was just trying to quickly get through their territory with my lunch.
If you’re ever attacked by one, aim for center mass and give it as much force as you can. I’ve never had geese swarm me after seeing one of their comrades get obliterated.
What about a horse sized duck?
My knowledge of cartoon physics tells me that birds are essentially immune to any damage. If you punch them in the beak it will just spin around until they, using their opposable thumbs, adjust it back into place. If you punch them in the neck you’ll just leave a temporary fist shaped aberration in their spinal cord which will quickly snap back into place. Aiming for their feet or body is futile since they’ll just instantly dodge your attack by flexing their mass dramatically out of the way and instantly counter with significant emotional damage.
It is a fight you can’t win good Sir or Madame.
what is it’s pelican season?
They immediately change the sign
Paprika or poultry?
OP casually walks by pelicans and hears the Mortal Kombat music begin playing
Pelicanitiy!
I wouldn’t worry to much about pelicans. Fun fact - pelicans try to eat people sometimes. They basically try to eat every animal, because they have no sense of scale for their food they can swallow. And they don’t risk much by trying - most large animals have the same incredulous reaction we do
They are not very bright birds nor very quick ones. They are also not very agile. And as a bird, they have hollow bones and you could kill them with a solid fist to the chest… I once saw the aftermath of two shin high dogs tearing one apart. On a small balcony. There was blood everywhere… The dogs were covered in it, completely uninjured and very pleased with themselves
I wouldn’t worry, even if they have the sharp bits that could injure you, they lack the instincts to use them properly
there’s a video out there of one trying to eat a duck
And a capybara
I need to find this.
Sometimes it’s really refreshing to read shit like this and take a break from all the doom posts. Thanks.
you’re a great ape somewhere between 150 and 300 lbs. It’s a 15 pound bird. I’m sorry but this is embarrassing.
Bears will run from dogs knowing that the fight could leave them horribly maimed.
I’d run from the goose knowing that the fight would leave me horribly ashamed and embarrassed, and possibly maimed.
oh look, Johnny No-Posts has an opinion on somebody’s question in the No Stupid Questions community. I don’t go to the Pinochet fan groups and tell you that you can’t make helicopter memes, learn some basic internet etiquette.
God forbid anyone ever sign up for a new to them content aggregation site. What else are you scared of? Squirrels? Rabbits? Ducks?
I’m suggesting that you try contributing to a community before being an asshole in it. the first rule that will help you there is reading the name of a community before being a dickwad.
I’m scared of needlessly hurting animals. I couldn’t have made that more plain. this isn’t reddit, you don’t just wade in insulting people over things you have no understanding of.
Somebody doesn’t understand. It’s you, though.
Why is this comment section full of people ridiculing the question in a community called “no stupid questions”? Like, isn’t the entire point here to be able to ask questions that you worry might be stupid without being ridiculed for it?
Every dedicated “ask <xyz-style> questions” community I’ve ever participated in has had a nonzero amount of users who seem to only show up to bitch and moan that, shock! people are asking <xyz-style> questions. I don’t get it either.
Most likely the worst it would do is some light scratches and bites, but that beak tip could tear up some skin if it scrapes across the skin like a box cutter knife. Those beak tips are surprisingly sharp.
But it would all be superficial from the claws and beak. The main danger would be from bacteria and other pathogens causing infections if those wounds aren’t cleaned.
how badly could a pelican fuck me up in a fight?
DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.
there’s a brown pelican that hangs out…
Poetry.
Actually, wait…
how badly could a
pelican fuck me up in
a fight? DISCLAIMER
.
I am not planning
on fighting a pelican.
There’s a brown peli-
It’s basically the rules of a knife fight: The primary goal is to control the weapon, in this case the talons. Both of you are definitely going to get fucked up if you try.
The bird’s on the boardwalk for food. The most aggressive thing it’s likely to do is to steal your food.
Does the pelican have a gun?
idk but in this neighborhood, probably
Do you have ready access to a banana?
no but I can print a picture of one
Pelicans are naturally offended by bananas, a printout might work but a pocket banana is a solid distraction technique so you can get it pinned.
they couldn’t be naturally offended by bananas, as what we recognize as a banana is completely man-made. they must be unnaturally offended by it, or we bred the banana in such a way that it looks exactly like something that used to be offended by
probably pelican dildos.
They’re offended by their existence as an abomination on the natural order of things, pelicans are extremely strict in their interpretation of scientific ethics and their adherence to it.
then why do they keep trying to eat things that are bigger than them
They could scratch you up for sure, maybe poke an eye, but they’re more likely to avoid to than attack unless they’re guarding a nest or something. If they come at you, take off your jacket, an umbrella, or grab a tarp or something and open it up to catch their beak/claws and probably scare them away too.
If you happen to have something like an air horn, that would also probably scare them off.
